I guess I really haven't learned much thus far...Ok, I will say that my mood from yesterday to today has greatly improved. It is a direct result of getting my hair done. It still amazes me how something so trivial can make such a huge different. I am not the person who spends hours a week on my appearance but I do believe that to serve others well I need to be strong myself. That does mean caring for myself and making sure my needs are met. In this case it meant changing my hair because I didn't like how it looked. Know yourself. Know what makes you happy.
I was reading a blog yesterday. It made the point that men loved the first outfit you were wearing and the second outfit but the more you try on the less he will love anything. I think there is a disconnect between men and women at this point. I don't really understand it but I see it. For me I change outfits because I'm not confident in one or I don't think it will suit the needs of my outing. There are different criteria. For example today, This was the first thing I tried on. I contemplated putting on different shorts (these ones are an awkward length) but I decided if it really bothered me I could roll up the cuffs. But I think it all stems out of attitude and confidence. If there is a disconnect between you and someone you're going to for advice notice it and do something about it (now or later) but the most important thing is to know what you want. What are your desires and needs? Are they being met? Beacuase the healthier you are the more you can... "be the change you want to see in the world." Thank you Gandhi.
What's my change going to be?
As I finish off my day I reflect on how I've failed or rather I have found the change I want to make-I have found the change that I will become. As I am reflecting on today I realize that I am standing in my own way. I mentioned that part of this quest to discover what beauty means to me has been spurred on by my own journey to health. That journey started when I was 21 and was tipping the scales close to 300lbs (like how even now I must inform you that I wasn't to THAT level). At 21 I decided enough. And I changed. I changed what I ate and was "more active". That means occasionally going for a walk. I lost 60lbs in 3 years...I believe, i've lost track. February 2014 I started TSFL (I really enjoyed it but I'm not going to blog about it-if you have questions hit me up). I think I lost 70lbs with them. Well, I've lost 120lbs in total. It's incredible but I never sit and gloat about anything. Well, now I face a new challenge. As a matter of fact it isn't a new challenge--you see I am my challenge. People are saying great things about how I look. People are complimenting me and praising my appearance and I haven't been able to find my old fire.
You see the number of people who say positive things about my appearance are nice and good but all it does is support this idea that I wasn't beautiful before. I was. I am. Ok, it doesn't only support that idea...I'm still working through this...forgive me and try to see what I am saying. But I know that there is something wrong with the fact that I still need to hear their words. I need to know that they are watching me and that I am not alone in this world (there are much healthier ways of getting that attention than by praising peoples appearance). Realizing that that is defined as a need within me is what I am going to try to work on. You see I don't believe my worth should come from others but I'm not sure how to maintain my drive without their praise--I need to find a healthy balance. At this moment I know a few things 1. God is love and I am loved 2. I am beautiful 3. I can't find my worth through the world
Now, to put that into practice. (It's a good thing I've got a life time to do this!)
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