June 1, 2014

It seems that everywhere I go I am bombarded with what IS beautiful. I am told that my hair is too curly. My body too short or too fat. I am not blonde enough. At the same time I marvel in the moments that people say, "You're beautiful." "I love that dress." "I love your hair." "Your smile is amazing." I hate that I both despise and crave their words of praise.

For me this journey to discover, what is beautiful, started a long time ago. You see, I don't know if I've ever been what "society" believes is beautiful. For much of my life I've been very overweight. I got looks of pity form people and words of shame and disgust from others. The funny thing is that beneath the sting of their words and within the confine of my soul I believed myself beautiful. I am. There is still no doubt in my mind. I've always thought that was a blessed dichotomy within my own mind. It's funny how with every negative word society gave me about my own personal image the crazier and less wise I viewed society. I KNOW I am beautiful. Therefore, every lie they told me only served as a nail in the coffin that is the Truth of the World.

This past year I've changed my physical appearance a great deal. It's actually been going on slowly for a number of years but no one really noticed until this year. But within this past year I've gotten much more attention about my appearance. It's been very unnerving. I don't dislike it-it just throws me for a loop. Ok, at times it knocks me off my rocker because I am accustomed to being allowed time to read a room and then enter it in the manner I deep right. Where as now, there are times I'm pulled into a situation I wasn't ready for. 

Case and point: 2 weekends ago I was out dancing. It was a night where it seemed that only the white women were getting asked to dance. It was a strange thought in my mind (especially because my mom is white and I have olive colored skin)-I didn't like the way I phrased it or that the more I looked around the room the more it seemed to be true. I was scanning the room looking for someone to dance with-it was in this time that someone came up without me seeing them approach and asked me to dance. 

I'm not sure what type of person you are but I am a planner. I notice things. I notice just about everything in a room including the temperament of the people. I have grown up approaching people first or seeing them approach and allowing them to do so. I have always been in control and I am accustomed to is. This idea that people approach me without my having noticed them is VERY strange. Never has it happened-until this year.

These questions of beauty and what draws people together are ones that I am curious about. I doubt many will read these words but I wanted to try something. I wanted it to have parameters and some type of a goal. I decided that I would take a picture of my outfit everyday for a year. I feel that outfits say so much more than people realize. I also wanted to be able to express my own ideas of image, particularly body image but also that of character and beauty of clothes through the lens of my society and my own mind. 

And so it begins...

Day 1:

Baccalaureate Sunday (I decided to start this project before I went to bed but I thought June 1 was a much better start date than June 2)

I wore this dress because I like my legs and I was in the mood to show them off. I also really like my collar bone and this dress highlights them both nicely. The dress also has enough personality on it's own that I don't need to work the accessories too hard. But it has subtlety in it's color. It's a nice balance of fun, young and the edge of reserve that I thought would fit well with a Sunday service when I knew I'd be standing in front of my church. P.S. I don't wear glasses. I just like the way they look on my face.

People have seen this outfit before so there weren't too many comments but one lady did come up to me to say, "You look more and more beautiful every time I see you."

My Hair: It was day 2 (that means I washed it yesterday) and even though it had gotten frizzy from the rain I still decided to wear it down. I love my hair and the greatest thing I can do it to let it be as close to it's true nature as possible. Today, I just pinned it to one side and out of my face. Simple and easy.