June 3, 2014

What is beauty? I'm not sure. I can take a picture of myself (or others) and evaluate qualities but that doesn't tell me what beauty is. A picture can capture a moment but it doesn't tell me the whole story. As I took pictures of myself there were so many I didn't like. The majority were blurry, others were at bad angles and still others had bad lighting. I don't want to use a picture that wasn't a, moderately, accurate representation of my beauty. Haha! That sounds so silly...but people take too much time noticing what they don't like about themselves. I just don't want to do that.

Well, here's the pic I decided to keep.
I guess I really haven't learned much thus far...Ok, I will say that my mood from yesterday to today has greatly improved. It is a direct result of getting my hair done. It still amazes me how something so trivial can make such a huge different. I am not the person who spends hours a week on my appearance but I do believe that to serve others well I need to be strong myself. That does mean caring for myself and making sure my needs are met. In this case it meant changing my hair because I didn't like how it looked. Know yourself. Know what makes you happy.

I was reading a blog yesterday. It made the point that men loved the first outfit you were wearing and the second outfit but the more you try on the less he will love anything. I think there is a disconnect between men and women at this point. I don't really understand it but I see it. For me I change outfits because I'm not confident in one or I don't think it will suit the needs of my outing. There are different criteria. For example today, This was the first thing I tried on. I contemplated putting on different shorts (these ones are an awkward length) but I decided if it really bothered me I could roll up the cuffs. But I think it all stems out of attitude and confidence. If there is a disconnect between you and someone you're going to for advice notice it and do something about it (now or later) but the most important thing is to know what you want. What are your desires and needs? Are they being met? Beacuase the healthier you are the more you can... "be the change you want to see in the world." Thank you Gandhi.

What's my change going to be?


As I finish off my day I reflect on how I've failed or rather I have found the change I want to make-I have found the change that I will become. As I am reflecting on today I realize that I am standing in my own way. I mentioned that part of this quest to discover what beauty means to me has been spurred on by my own journey to health. That journey started when I was 21 and was tipping the scales close to 300lbs (like how even now I must inform you that I wasn't to THAT level). At 21 I decided enough. And I changed. I changed what I ate and was "more active". That means occasionally going for a walk. I lost 60lbs in 3 years...I believe, i've lost track. February 2014 I started TSFL (I really enjoyed it but I'm not going to blog about it-if you have questions hit me up). I think I lost 70lbs with them. Well, I've lost 120lbs in total. It's incredible but I never sit and gloat about anything. Well, now I face a new challenge. As a matter of fact it isn't a new challenge--you see I am my challenge. People are saying great things about how I look. People are complimenting me and praising my appearance and I haven't been able to find my old fire.

You see the number of people who say positive things about my appearance are nice and good but all it does is support this idea that I wasn't beautiful before. I was. I am. Ok, it doesn't only support that idea...I'm still working through this...forgive me and try to see what I am saying. But I know that there is something wrong with the fact that I still need to hear their words. I need to know that they are watching me and that I am not alone in this world (there are much healthier ways of getting that attention than by praising peoples appearance). Realizing that that is defined as a need within me is what I am going to try to work on. You see I don't believe my worth should come from others but I'm not sure how to maintain my drive without their praise--I need to find a healthy balance. At this moment I know a few things 1. God is love and I am loved 2. I am beautiful 3. I can't find my worth through the world
Now, to put that into practice. (It's a good thing I've got a life time to do this!)

June 2, 2014

Day 2:
It's a Monday and my outfit must fit within the parameters of an office. I work in an office but also need the flexibility to run, drive and wear a two-way radio.

This isn't the greatest of photos...haha but I wanted you to see all of what I am wearing (I'll be wearing a pear of wedges with black straps).

Why am I wearing this? There are a few reasons. My skirt has pockets and works well with my radio. My scarf is new (I got it yesterday). That also means I need to figure out a good way to wear it...I think I'm still looking for one... :) My black shirt is because it was the first one a grabbed that wouldn't be competing for attention with the scarf. My hair? Lately, I've been piling it on top of my head because it's fun. It would be too hot with my hair down and a scarf around my neck. Today I'm also wearing a ring on my left thumb, a black head band with a bow and earrings. Haha! It's not my favorite outfit but I'm just starting to figure out my summer clothes because losing weight has left my wardrobe decimated.

There's a better look at me. Well, here's to day 2.

June 1, 2014

It seems that everywhere I go I am bombarded with what IS beautiful. I am told that my hair is too curly. My body too short or too fat. I am not blonde enough. At the same time I marvel in the moments that people say, "You're beautiful." "I love that dress." "I love your hair." "Your smile is amazing." I hate that I both despise and crave their words of praise.

For me this journey to discover, what is beautiful, started a long time ago. You see, I don't know if I've ever been what "society" believes is beautiful. For much of my life I've been very overweight. I got looks of pity form people and words of shame and disgust from others. The funny thing is that beneath the sting of their words and within the confine of my soul I believed myself beautiful. I am. There is still no doubt in my mind. I've always thought that was a blessed dichotomy within my own mind. It's funny how with every negative word society gave me about my own personal image the crazier and less wise I viewed society. I KNOW I am beautiful. Therefore, every lie they told me only served as a nail in the coffin that is the Truth of the World.

This past year I've changed my physical appearance a great deal. It's actually been going on slowly for a number of years but no one really noticed until this year. But within this past year I've gotten much more attention about my appearance. It's been very unnerving. I don't dislike it-it just throws me for a loop. Ok, at times it knocks me off my rocker because I am accustomed to being allowed time to read a room and then enter it in the manner I deep right. Where as now, there are times I'm pulled into a situation I wasn't ready for. 

Case and point: 2 weekends ago I was out dancing. It was a night where it seemed that only the white women were getting asked to dance. It was a strange thought in my mind (especially because my mom is white and I have olive colored skin)-I didn't like the way I phrased it or that the more I looked around the room the more it seemed to be true. I was scanning the room looking for someone to dance with-it was in this time that someone came up without me seeing them approach and asked me to dance. 

I'm not sure what type of person you are but I am a planner. I notice things. I notice just about everything in a room including the temperament of the people. I have grown up approaching people first or seeing them approach and allowing them to do so. I have always been in control and I am accustomed to is. This idea that people approach me without my having noticed them is VERY strange. Never has it happened-until this year.

These questions of beauty and what draws people together are ones that I am curious about. I doubt many will read these words but I wanted to try something. I wanted it to have parameters and some type of a goal. I decided that I would take a picture of my outfit everyday for a year. I feel that outfits say so much more than people realize. I also wanted to be able to express my own ideas of image, particularly body image but also that of character and beauty of clothes through the lens of my society and my own mind. 

And so it begins...

Day 1:

Baccalaureate Sunday (I decided to start this project before I went to bed but I thought June 1 was a much better start date than June 2)

I wore this dress because I like my legs and I was in the mood to show them off. I also really like my collar bone and this dress highlights them both nicely. The dress also has enough personality on it's own that I don't need to work the accessories too hard. But it has subtlety in it's color. It's a nice balance of fun, young and the edge of reserve that I thought would fit well with a Sunday service when I knew I'd be standing in front of my church. P.S. I don't wear glasses. I just like the way they look on my face.

People have seen this outfit before so there weren't too many comments but one lady did come up to me to say, "You look more and more beautiful every time I see you."

My Hair: It was day 2 (that means I washed it yesterday) and even though it had gotten frizzy from the rain I still decided to wear it down. I love my hair and the greatest thing I can do it to let it be as close to it's true nature as possible. Today, I just pinned it to one side and out of my face. Simple and easy.